


A Mad Qrow

by Metaldragon868



Series: Madness [2]
Category: RWBY
Genre: Because of Reasons, Cold Ruby, Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, Drinking, Dysfunctional Family, Family Bonding, Gen, Humor, Mischievous Ruby, Qrow metaphorically shits his pants, Qrow's bad luck extends outside combat, Ruby is a devious little shit, Ruby is a happy drunk, Ruby speaks Russian, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-03
Updated: 2017-02-03
Packaged: 2018-09-21 13:52:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9551783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Metaldragon868/pseuds/Metaldragon868
Summary: Qrow makes fun of Ruby for her reaction when she tried his Whiskey as a little girl. Little did he know, the girl could hold quite the grudge in her devious mind.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This oneshot is connected to my main fic, Madness of Death, which involves a very different Ruby. This is a peak at her life and relationship with Qrow several years before canon begins. If you haven't read Madness, I'd say it isn't entirely important towards reading this.

**Qrow pov**

_Oh, this is going to be perfect._ I snickered silently to myself.

I was watching from the shadows with all the stealth I bothered to muster. Considering the prey I was stalking, that wasn't much.

I watched as the pale hand tentatively reached out to grab the silver flask I had left on the table. Their pale fingers wrapping around the curved exterior, before the attached arm hoisted it up to the face that owned it. They uncapped it, and gave the contents and experimental sniff.

Finally, they gave it a taste, tipping back the bottle as they allowed the liquid to pour down their mouth.

An instant later, Ruby Rose was coughing her lungs up, desperately trying to get it out of her system.

I couldn't suppress the laugh at my 10-year-old niece coughing up my liquor.

Coming out of the shadows, I made my over to her, giving the first good hearty laugh I had had in awhile.

"Maybe you should wait till you're older." I laughed, patting her on the back.

In response, she looked up at me with a murderous glare that had no place on a little girl, muttered something darkly to herself, and brushed me off.

I looked at her disappearing form with a strained smile. A few years ago, that glare would have been an adorable pout. Now it was something that could tangle with the likes of Ms. Goodwitch. Something about that look gave me the impression I would regret this someday.

But that was ridiculous, right? She's just a little girl.

_What could Ruby possibly do to me?_

**Days later**

_Why do I keep coming to these things?_ I wondered as I left Beacon

There was another meeting for our little "club" regarding finding the new Fall maiden. They wanted me to go looking for rumors of her being in a village just outside the kingdom. That wasn't the problem, however.

No, the problem was Glynda Stick-Up-My-Ass Goodwitch kept glaring at me the whole damn meeting, and whenever I made to grab for my flask, she yanked my ear with that damn semblance of hers. Which would, of course, make me look like an idiot when I yelped in pain for no apparent reason. I'm sure Ozpin, the bastard, knew what was happening, he was just content to let Glynda keep me from my precious Whisky.

 _But she can't keep me from it now!_ I thought with a smile.

Deciding to actually enjoy my first drink in…

 _18 hours?_ _Holy shit._ I thought, looking at my watch.

I wasn't even buzzed anymore.

Damn,

I needed to fix that.

Plus I was hungry.

So, with all that in mind, I made my way to a cozy little cafe in the city, sat myself down at one of the table outside, pulled out my flask, and belted a nice long sip back.

And immediately spit it back up.

" _Holy fucking shit!"_ I all but screamed, coughing up the remains of what _should_ have been my whisky.

But that sure as hell wasn't whisky.

Whisky had a nice warm burn as it went down. To someone unprepared for it, like Ruby, it was probably extremely powerful and intense. To me, it was nice, warm, and welcome.

This, on the other hand, was an ice cold airy liquid that felt like liquid winter racing down my throat, freezing me from the inside out. It wasn't just cold, it was so cold it burned, it burned harder than any whisky I had ever had did. Then there was the bittersweet aftertaste, not unlike strong coffee. It was by far, the most intense drink I've ever had, and I was not prepared for it.

When I managed to recover somewhat, I looked at my flask resting on the table in bewilderment, like my trust flask of whisky had betrayed me. It was then that I noticed that my flask was actually smoking. White vapors wisped out of the mouth of the flask slowly, like rolling fog.

"What the hell?" I whispered

"What's wrong?" Said a voice from behind me.

A voice that froze me to the bone.

Sure enough, a small, unearthly pale hand reached out from my side, and grasped the bubbling flask. The pale hand brought it up to thin red lips, tilted the flask upwards for long enough to get long swig of the icy drink. Her throat pulsed as she gulped down the contents, not reacting in the slightest beyond the way her lips began to curl upwards.

She lowered the flask from her lips, and calmly placed it back on the table, and looked at me with twin silver orbs glittering with mirth.

"Can't hold your liquor, Uncle Qrow?" Ruby asked with a smirk, smoke wafting from her mouth with every word.

I looked at her, jaw agape, stunned beyond all rational thought.

My mind raced as I saw my little 10 year old niece, who was looked closer to 7, take a long swig of a drink that had me coughing up it's frosty contents.

Me!

And this barely even 50 pound little girl was handling it with no problem. A girl who couldn't even handle my whisky, and this was way beyond that whisky she had.

So shocked, I was, that I didn't even notice as the waitress came and Ruby ordered our meals.

Finally, getting sick and tired of that damnable knowing smirk, and getting my thoughts mostly together, I spoke.

"Wha-ho-I don't even-what the fuck did you give me?" I finally said in a messy word soup.

"Language, Uncle Qrow." She chastised.

I glared at her.

She took another sip from the flask with a smile.

"What is that?" I repeated.

"A Сибирский Суицид" She answered.

I blinked.

"What?" Not comprehending the string of strange sounds that came out of her mouth.

" A Siberian Suicide." She translated.

"Which is?"

"Strong Moonshine mixed with a coffee liqueur prepared with liquid nitrogen." She explained.

"Moonshine?" I questioned

"Well I can't exactly buy alcohol. Had to make my own." She explained.

"You _made_ this?" I asked.

"Yup." She said, popping the p, obviously enjoying this.

"How the hell do you know how to make moonshine?" I questioned with a frown.

"I learned it from watching you." She replied, returning the frown with a flat look.

"I-" I started to open my mouth in protest.

Then, of course, I remembered that one time I did actually make moonshine at their house.

And the second time, and the third time...

 _I've done that way too many times at their place_ I realized.

I said none of this, however.

"Oh." I blinked instead.

"So, what'd you think of it?" Ruby asked, resting her chin on the table, not that that was a stretch considering how tall she was.

"I think this is straight death." I said flatly.

"Пизда" She grinned at me, a light blush gracing her cheeks.

I paused.

"...Are you _drunk_?" I asked, bewildered

"Probably." She shrugged, poking the bubbling flask.

"This stuff is pretty strong, and I don't exactly have a lot of body mass so my resistance is pretty pathetic." She explained.

"My ten year old niece is drunk." I groaned as I let my face slam down onto the table.

"I probably get my alcoholism from you." She mused carelessly.

I froze at her words. Slowly I lifted my head up from the table just enough so I could look at her.

" _What?_ " I said in a strained voice.

In way of response, she just tilted her head to the side in confusion.

"What do you mean, 'you get it from me'?" I repeated.

"Well, you're my uncle Qrow. That means you're related to me." Ruby said, elaborating on her thought process

"Right?" She added, tilting her head to the other side with an innocent blink of her silver eyes.

Inside, I cringed, realizing that we never did actually get around to telling her how this whole family actually worked, genetically speaking. We never told her that her and Yang have different mothers, and that I'm Yang's mother's brother, not her mother or father's brother. Yang found out on accident, which lead to...that night. We didn't even see Ruby again until a little over a year ago, and since then we never really explained it to her, not wanting to bring up the reason that she was taken from us.

So as a result, Ruby probably still thinks I'm her blood-related uncle.

And I'm not going to correct that.

_I sure as hell don't feel like opening that bag of_

"Maybe you got it from your father?" I suggested with a strained smile, trying to deflect.

"But dad only started when I came back." Ruby argued solemnly.

I grimaced.

_Oh, great job Qrow, you've reminded her about how she sort-of-accidentally turned her father into an alcoholic._

"What about mom?" She asked, yanking me from my thoughts.

"What?" I said, bewildered.

"Was mom an alcoholic?" She asked.

"No!" I shouted, coming to Summer's defense.

"I mean, sure, she liked her beer, her wine, her vodka, her brandy…." I trailed off

_Actually now that I think about it, she really was something of a connoisseur of that stuff._

_And_ I thought, stroking my beard with narrowed eyes, _She could certainly hold her liquor_

"Ok, _maybe_ you get it from your mother." I conceded.

"But she _wasn't_ an alcoholic." I added, with a pointed look.

_God knows that angel of a woman wasn't nearly as fucked up and damaged as I am._

"If you say so." Ruby shrugged before taking another sip of her "Siberian Suicide" from my flask.

"Alright, that's it." I said, snatching the drink from her cool pale fingers.

"Wha-no!" Ruby whined with a wide eyes.

"Not till you're older, you're _way_ too young to be drinking anything like this." I asserted with a stern frown.

"But you started drinking when you were my age." She pointed out with a pout.

I blinked.

"Who told you that?" I scowled.

"You did."

"What!? When!?"

"Two months ago on a sunday when you were blackout drunk." She intoned flatly.

I groaned as I buried my face in my hands.

 _Yeah, that sounds like something I would do_ I admitted to myself, failing to fully suppress the embarrassed blush on my face.

"You really shouldn't use me as a role model." I argued finally, pulling my head from my hands.

"Why not?" Ruby asked with another tilt of her head.

"Because i'm not exactly an ideal role model." I explained,

"Why not your mom?" I suggested with a forced smile, hoping she took the bait.

"She's dead." She shot down flatly.

 _Dammit_ I mentally cursed.

"Okay, what about your dad?" I tried again.

"Right now he's not doing much other than being an alcoholic." She commented.

"Just like me!" I said pointing to myself, hoping to god she saw my point.

"Except your a functional alcoholic. He's not." She pointed out.

I groaned loudly as I leaned back in my chair.

"I'm too sober for this." I remarked.

"Well you _do_ have a nice flask of Siberian Suicide to help." Ruby pointed out.

"I'm not having your liquid death." I retored without even looking back down at her.

"Пизда" Ruby said, her smile audible to me.

:Well at least you're a happy drunk." I commented quietly. In fact, this was actually the happiest I'd seen Ruby in a long time. Too long, honestly, and as much as she was getting a rise out of me, it still warmed my heart to see her like this. It was also why I wasn't more angry at her for coming out here just to fuck with me.

_Wait a minute.._

"Ruby…" I began slowly, bending forward to lean over the table menacingly as I looked her straight in the eyes.

"How did you get out here?" I asked with as much dead seriousness as I could muster, trying to impress upon her how serious this was.

"Oh." She began simply

It didn't work.

"I stowed away in your luggage." She answered casually with a shrug.

I stared.

I started with my jaw slowly loosening as what she said ran through my mind, unable to fully comprehend what she was saying. There were many many reasons for this, but one of the biggest ones was because I knew, for a fact, that the cargo hold my luggage was in was not pressurized.

While not as flashy as some other ways to go, the lack of air combined with the cold should have been more than enough to kill her. I knew that Ruby, with her weird aura, could survive things that would kill a normal person, but still, this meant she went for two hours in conditions man was not built for, including freezing temperatures and a severe lack of air.

And yet here she was.

Not 8 hours later.

Looking completely fine.

In my stunned state, I idly noticed Ruby taking my flask from me, and belting back more of her fancy drink of frozen death.

It wasn't until the waitress returned with our meal and placed it all down right in front of my face. Before I knew it, the waitress was looking at Ruby with pity as she took another sip from her flask, before turning to me with undisguised anger and mouthed "You disgust me" and furiously spun on her heel and walked away.

I was too stunned by what had just happened to look at her nice, firm, ass.

...well, almost.

Suddenly feeling a chill go down my spine, I looked around to see men and women sitting in tables all around me glaring at the two of us in disapproval.

 _What the fuck did I do?_ I wondered, feeling very uncomfortable.

Then I looked back at Ruby letting out a loud gasp of breath as she removed her lips from the flask of alcohol.

 _Oh my god they think I'm a pedophile_ I realized with wide horrified eyes as my blood froze in my veins.

 _Or a terrible drunk of a father giving her daughter alcohol._ I added.

"Ruby, how 'bout you put the flask down." I asked sweetly, hoping to god she just did it.

"But uncle Qrow, I thought you said that we could have some fun together if I could finish your drink?" She asked innocently with a tilted head and adorable blushing cheeks in a voice just a little louder than it needed to be. .

But her twinkling eyes told me everything I needed to know.

Blood drained from my face as I glanced around to see that, sure enough, everyone glares seemed to deepen, some even pulling out their scrolls, probably to call the authorities or something.

_Ruby, why would you do this to me?_

Before I turned back to Ruby, I glanced down at the table to see what she had ordered, and my eyes practically bugged out of my head from all of it. There were three main dishes, two sides for each, a salad, drinks, and two desserts.

"...There's no way I'm eating all of this." I muttered.

"Of course not." Ruby said

"All this is for me." She said as she pulled two thirds of everything she had ordered over to her, leaving me with just one dish, it's sides, a dessert, and a drink.

"Thanks…" I said in a voice drier than the fucking moon. Still, she did manage to leave me with what I was actually going to order, a cheeseburger, fries, chips, some pie, and some Dack Janiels whiskey.

Then I paused.

"Ruby...how much is all of this?" I asked carefully, wary of the answer.

Instead of answering, she just looked up from her meal, and gave me a wide, mischievous, grin that promised only sorrow for me and my wallet.

 _I'm too sober for this_ I all but cried.


End file.
